The Honeymoon that Never Ends
IS NOT A RELATIONSHIP. Love relates, but it is not a relationship. A relationship
is something finished. A relationship is a noun; the full stop has come,
the honeymoon is over. Now there is no joy, no enthusiasm, now all is
finished. You can carry it on, just to keep your promises. You can carry
it on because it is comfortable, convenient, cozy. You can carry it on
because there is nothing else to do. You can carry it on because if you
disrupt it, it is going to create much trouble for you
means something complete, finished, closed.
Love is never a relationship; love is relating. It is always a river,
flowing, unending. Love knows no full stop; the honeymoon begins but never
ends. It is not like a novel that starts at a certain point and ends at
a certain point. It is an ongoing phenomenon. Lovers end, love continues
it is a continuum. It is a verb, not a noun.
And why do we reduce the beauty of relating to relationship? Why are we
in such a hurry? Because to relate is insecure, and relationship is a
security. Relationship has a certainty; relating is just a meeting of
two strangers, maybe just an overnight stay and in the morning we say
goodbye. Who knows what is going to happen tomorrow? And we are so afraid
that we want to make it certain, we want to make it predictable. We would
like tomorrow to be according to our ideas; we don't allow it freedom
to have its own say. So we immediately reduce every verb to a noun.
You are in love with a woman or a man and immediately you start thinking
of getting married. Make it a legal contract. Why? How does the law come
into love? The law comes into love because love is not there. It is only
a fantasy, and you know the fantasy will disappear. Before it disappears
settle down, before it disappears do something so it becomes impossible
In a better world, with more meditative people, with a little more enlightenment
spread over the earth, people will love, love immensely, but their love
will remain a relating not a relationship. And I am not saying that their
love will be only momentary. There is every possibility their love may
go deeper than your love, may have a higher quality of intimacy, may have
something more of poetry and more of godliness in it. And there is every
possibility their love may last longer than your so-called relationship
ever lasts. But it will not be guaranteed by the law, by the court, by
the policeman. The guarantee will be inner. It will be a commitment from
the heart, it will be a silent communion.
If you enjoy being with somebody, you would like to enjoy it more and
more. If you enjoy the intimacy, you would like to explore the intimacy
more and more. And there are a few flowers of love which bloom only after
long intimacies. There are seasonal flowers too; within six weeks they
are there, in the sun, but within six weeks again they are gone forever.
There are flowers that take years to come, and there are flowers that
take many years to come. The longer it takes, the deeper it goes. But
it has to be a commitment from one heart to another heart. It has not
even to be verbalized, because to verbalize it is to profane it. It has
to be a silent commitment; eye to eye, heart to heart, being to being.
It has to be understood, not said.
Forget relationships and learn how to relate.
Once you are in a relationship you start taking each other for granted
that's what destroys all love affairs. The woman thinks she knows the
man, the man thinks he knows the woman. Nobody knows either! It is impossible
to know the other, the other remains a mystery. And to take the other
for granted is insulting, disrespectful.
To think that you know your wife is very, very ungrateful. How can you
know the woman? How can you know the man? They are processes, they are
not things. The woman that you knew yesterday is not there today. So much
water has gone down the Ganges; she is somebody else, totally different.
Relate again, start again, don't take it for granted.
And the man that you slept with last night, look at his face again in
the morning. He is no more the same person, so much has changed. So much,
incalculably much has changed. That is the difference between a thing
and a person. The furniture in the room is the same, but the man and the
woman, they are no more the same. Explore again, start again. That's what
I mean by relating.
Relating means you are always starting, you are continuously trying to
become acquainted. Again and again, you are introducing yourself to each
other. You are trying to see the many facets of the other's personality.
You are trying to penetrate deeper and deeper into his realm of inner
feelings, into the deep recesses of his being. You are trying to unravel
a mystery which cannot be unraveled. That is the joy of love: the exploration
And if you relate, and don't reduce it to a relationship, then the other
will become a mirror to you. Exploring him, unawares you will be exploring
yourself too. Getting deeper into the other, knowing his feelings, his
thoughts, his deeper stirrings, you will be knowing your own deeper stirrings
too. Lovers become mirrors to each other, and then love becomes a meditation.
Relationship is ugly, relating is beautiful.
Hence I say relate. By saying relate, I mean remain continuously on a
honeymoon. Go on searching and seeking each other, finding new ways of
loving each other, finding new ways of being with each other. And each
person is such an infinite mystery, inexhaustible, unfathomable, that
it is not possible that you can ever say, "I have known her,"
or, "I have known him." At the most you can say, "I have
tried my best, but the mystery remains a mystery."
In fact the more you know, the more mysterious the other becomes. Then
love is a constant adventure.
This article originally appeared in Creations, Feb./March 2002, and
was reprinted with permission from Love, Freedom, and Aloneness:
A New Vision of Relating, from St. Martins Press,2001.
To listen to this and many of Oshos talks, visit: www.osho.com/talks/audio/htm
Other books by Osho are published by St. Martins Press and CW
Daniel. There is a large selection on the Internet, or ask for Osho titles
in your local bookstore.
This piece was selected and reprinted as a favorite by Ray Pesonen.
Ray has been with Creations in various capacities almost since we began.
Besides occasionally selling ads, he has served as Senior Editor, Managing
Editor from about 1994-97, and Distribution Manager. Through the years,
Rays integrity, love and dedication not only supported Creations,
but became the trademark for what we do- and how we do it. Ray lives in
Hicksville and works at Trader Joes. Reach him at: email@example.com