One of
the book ideas that surfaced for me recently is to share some of the
many lessons I have picked up from assorted groups and individuals over
the years. One came from a Gestalt and Rubenfeld Synergy training I
participated in 1992, led by Drs. Seena Russell and Karen Wexler. At
the time, I was transitioning out of Dreams East, the store I had founded
11 years before and had nurtured with my partner and old friend George
Gramaglia. George had helped found Creations and is now celebrating
Dreams Easts 25th year. Besides editing and publishing Creations,
I was also leading spiritual support groups, meditations and mens
groups at our not-for-profit learning center downstairs, The InnerLight
Center.
I was deep in transition at that time selling the store to George;
making an unsuccessful bid to become an independent candidate for US
Congress; and foreseeing that without Dreams Easts support, The
InnerLight would need to shut its doors fairly soon. It was time for
me to look ahead and re-create my life. I knew I wanted to do more one-on-one
work with people. When I couldnt find a program (outside of California
or India) that felt good to me, I created my own. Along with the Gestalt/Rubenfeld
training, this included trainings in Psychosynthesis with Richard and
Bonnie Schaub and the P.E.E.R. Training with John Lee and Dan
Jones.
Within 4 or 5 sessions our Gestalt Training group was bonding warmly.
Then, someone informed Seena and Karen that she would be leaving the
training. They asked her to come to one last session so the group could
say goodbye. As that next group started, Seena announced this persons
leaving. My initial reaction was perhaps typically masculine: Okay,
if theyre leaving, let them go and lets move on. But
as we started a little goodbye ritual, Seena spoke words
that changed my life: This is a chance to say goodbye and we dont
always get that opportunity! The truth in her words struck me immediately:
Friends, family, lovers, pets, co-workers, all had come and gone, sometimes
suddenly, sometimes gradually usually without appropriate completion.
I saw how this tended to deepen my grief, and make it harder for me
to let go...
Soon after this experience, I incorporated "coming back to say
goodbye" as a ground rule in my mens groups. I also tried
to incorporate it into my day to day relating with people, especially
loved ones and other important people in my life. This meant expressing
my feelings for them more in words and actions. Today, it means
keeping clear with the important people in my life asking myself,
If this is the last time I speak to or see this person, what needs to
be said or done? What needs to happen to complete things for me? This
practice certainly brings passion, intensity and makes life more real.
I fully recognized its value a few years later when my mother died suddenly.
Having shared my love, frustration and thanks with her did not make
her passing easy just much easier. What a blessing...
Now is another time of transition. 2005 is gone, 2006 is beginning.
Creations has begun its 20th year in print, with new publishers. As
doors close, other doors open. About 3 weeks ago, Neil, Andrea and I
decided this will be my last Truth and Madness column for Creations.
Since then Ive been asking myself, How do I say goodbye to the
Creations community? Whats left for me to say?
Ive bounced around a lot about it. Ive thought of telling
you how much I love my relatively new life (almost 8 years) here in
North Carolina. How blessed I feel to lie in bed in the morning and
occasionally get to watch a mama and young male deer stroll through
our backyard; How much more relaxed and peaceful I feel living close
to nature, with hardly any traffic (for now anyway!) and where people
take the time to be friendly with each other and strangers. Thats
always been the way I wanted to live.
I could tell you that since we made the decision to "close this
door," my private practice has nearly tripled and suddenly Ive
had to start a waiting list for a mens group that has been struggling
for years; How I recently began taking a Substance Abuse Certification
Training, which will give me more tools in working with some clients
and hopefully open up even more doors down the line; I could also tell
you about how nicely P.E.E.R. is growing, and how our community
is deepening. We now have active trainings in Asheville, NC as well
as on Long Island and hope to be available in another city or two in
the next few years; I could tell you that in a few weeks, Ill
start coaching the local high school tennis team for my 4th year. Im
especially excited this year, since Ill get to coach two young
men who are the sons of some of our closest friends and theyre
both great guys. What a treat!
I could tell you how blessed I feel to have attracted a wonderful, loving
partner, playmate, sex goddess and friend into my life in Connie. In
March, well celebrate 10 years of being in love. Appropriately,
well be co-leading a P.E.E.R. workshop that day, since that
currently provides our most profound forum for talking about, teaching
and sharing love.
In doing some holyday shopping, I came across a motto on a plaque that
we gave to our dear friend and brother, Dr. Garry DBrant. We liked
it so much we ordered one for our office, too. It reads: Let Your Life
Speak. That feels like such an important message at this time in the
USA. Sometimes Ive wondered if the joyous, meditative, peaceful
lifestyles weve been promoting all these years havent contributed
in some way to a passivity that has let George W. Bush and the neo-cons
overtake our country.
This is no time to be quiet or just bitch and moan. Open your mouth
and/or let your life speak. Besides comedians like Al Franken, Bill
Maher, John Stewart, Chris Rock and George Carlin, who is there to lead
the dissent? Where are the statespeople and musicians to inspire us
as they did so powerfully in the 60s and 70s? No, not George
McGovern, the Dead, the Airplane or Jackson Browne I mean todays
rebels! What are they doing besides drinking Starbucks, being
self-indulgent and depressed, or rappin rage and hate. Lets
go people, Bono and George Clooney cant carry the ball by themselves
forever.
Lets summon up our passion, our humanity, our chutzpah and
become their reinforcements. The powers that be are getting away with
murder literally here and around the world in our name.
We must let them know this is unacceptable and wrestle the power back
from them. We can do this with our votes, our protests, our dollars
(i.e., stop buying SUVs and supporting companies that ultimately
create international ill will and pain like Nikes foreign sweatshops.)
We need to feed our minds health food. Put down that People magazine
and pick up The Nation, The Progressive, Mother Jones, The Hightower
Report or The Sun. Take some time out from rap, rock, talk or sports
and tune into NPR, Pacifica or other thought-provoking media.
The powers that be count on us to be mindless sheep or perhaps overwhelmed
ostriches, poking our heads into the ground assuming things will get
better. Guess what? They are not. Nixon's health care proposals and
environmental concerns of the 60s and 70s would be considered
"liberal balderdash" today. These powers give us Super Bowls
and mega-malls and 200 cable channels and 300 microbrews and cell phones
so we can talk incessantly all day, and make sure we never have a moments
peace to reflect and notice whats going on around us. The days
of the family farm are limited and small businesses (except law firms)
are becoming a thing of the past. Were rolling back civil rights
and environmental protection to the days before we had any. So, this
is not the time to be quiet. Take some risks. Be a little less popular,
perhaps. Summon the courage to care a little less about what others
will think of you let your life speak while you still have
a voice! And, most importantly: Dont ever forget you have a beautiful
heart, too!
Thats about it for me. Not much left to say but Thank you: To
Neil and Andrea for having the courage and good sense to keep Creations
going and for providing me this chance to say goodbye. And to all the
staff and contributors who helped bring each issue to life. To the advertisers
and subscribers who put their money where their mouths are in supporting
us. And to you, loyal readers, for taking your time and valuable energy
to support us and provide me this forum to share my insights, truth
and madness these first 19 years.
Oh, another thing: In case this is the last time his teachings appear
in Creations, I need to pass on a few reminders from my old friend,
Osho. His spirit and teachings inspired and guided me and Creations
since its inception: Be Gentle with Yourself; and, Dont take Life
or Yourself Too Seriously!
Im complete enough. If youre not, feel free to contact me
at vjwolf@charter.net or (888) 745-PEER. But, theres one last
thing I need you to know: Though I now sever another cord or connection
with LI and NY, a piece of my heart will always be there with you,
with love,
Vijay Director offers ongoing groups for men and has a private consulting
practice. He is also available for phone sessions.