1) Attempt to talk about your problems in a relationship. Suppressed feelings will inevitably undermine love and intimacy in a relationship. (Men tend to withdraw - women tend to emote or get depressed.)

2) Listen closely to your partner’s concerns and don’t interrupt until he/she is finished.

3) Stay on one issue. Don’t try to address a second issue until the immediate issue is resolved.

4) Be honest and accurate in your statements and responses. Don’t exaggerate your own statement or discount your spouse’s.

5) Stay in the present. Do not rehash the past. Don’t project into the future.

6) No name calling - direct or inferred.

7) Stay with “I” messages rather than “You” messages. Talk about your own feelings and actions – not your partner’s.

8) Feelings and desires are not “right” or “wrong”. Avoid these judgments. Instead, respect the other’s right to an opinion - even if it is the opposite of yours. Avoid blanket “black and white” statements. Most issues are variations of gray.

9) If either one of you cannot help being “seduced” into a fruitless argument, be the first one to detach – temporarily.

10) Be the first one to reach out and reconnect. It is courageous – not a “weakness”.

IF YOUR PARTNER DOES NOT FOLLOW THE ABOVE, YOU DO IT ANYWAY!

Reprinted from the book Turning Trauma Into Triumph by Richard Scheinberg.

At age 25, Richard Scheinberg encountered the most difficult period of his life. Gradually, it led him into a deep depression and he attempted suicide. But a miracle saved him, and he pursued a career as a psychotherapist. By opening Sunrise Counseling Center in East Islip, New York, he has been able to reach thousands of others. Scheinberg’s personal transformation from “trauma to triumph” is one of 10 inspirational stories featured in his book Turning Trauma Into Triumph: Ten Stories of Hope and Growth, Including My Own. For more information, please see www.SunriseCounselingCenter.com and www.SeekingSoul.com.