Being Vulnerable with a Woman
 by Joyce and Barry Vissell, MD • California

To be vulnerable with a woman is to allow yourself to be seen and known in
your entirety, not just your powerful, independent, secure, loving and
capable self. Yes, you love a woman by being powerful, by protecting her
from all harm, by fathering the little girl inside her, and by gently taking
the lead. But without vulnerability your loving is incomplete. 

To be vulnerable is to show her your fear, pain, shame, and need for love.
Showing your vulnerability, by the classic definition, is showing your
weakness and therefore showing the way to be attacked and defeated. This is
the military model. If you're fighting in a battle, you avoid vulnerability.
The problem is that this model is entirely useless if you're striving for
intimacy. Many of us have been programmed since our early days on the
playground to avoid vulnerability so we wouldn't get attacked by other kids.
The choice is clear. Do we want to avoid vulnerability with our beloved, or
do we want to feel the heights of love? 

To be vulnerable, contrary to what many people think, makes you truly
attractive, even irresistible. The opposite of vulnerability is keeping on
your armor, your protection from being hurt. Trouble is, this armor also
keeps love away from you.

It's often more difficult for men to show their vulnerability. We're so
often raised with "machismo." We hear the messages, "Be a man. Men don't
cry. Never show your fear." We're taught to hold in our feelings. We view
all feelings except anger (and related feelings like frustration,
irritation, and annoyance) as a sign of weakness. Yet it is our
vulnerability that is our real strength, not the hollow bravado we usually
display to the world.

After years of experience, Joyce and I have come to realize the extreme
importance of vulnerability. I feel it is impossible to truly love another
person without being vulnerable. I like the expression of "intimacy" as
"into me see." To be intimate is to let your partner see into you ... all of
you, not just the parts you like about yourself. Intimacy has come to mean
sex for many people, but it is so much more. Vulnerability is the
cornerstone of intimacy. Vulnerability allows you to be seen at the most
fundamental level.

I love to lead men's retreats, and by the end of these weekends all the men
understand the importance of vulnerability. During these weekends we
experience the tenderness of fathering one another, and the liberation of
having our inner little boys safely loved by other men as fathers. We share
our pain, our fears, our shame, our feelings of unworthiness and insecurity.
And most importantly, we experience how our vulnerability allows us to be
more authentic, and how this authenticity makes us more loveable - and more
powerful - in the eyes of every man present.

For most of the men, it's easier to be vulnerable at these weekend retreats
with other men than it is to be vulnerable with the women in their lives. A
standard of safety is established from the beginning of the retreat. They
often admit that they lack this safety at home with their wives or partners.
Some admit to being scared of women, that somehow women have the power to
hurt them. Therefore, as a true solution to this problem, I challenge each
man to bring their vulnerability to the important women in their lives. By
doing this, they create the safety they need, rather than waiting for their
women to create the safety for them. It's touching for me to hear from the
wives and partners after a men's retreat. Quite often I am thanked by these
women who are deeply moved by the vulnerability of their partners.

Four ways to be more vulnerable with a woman:

Timing is important here. You need to be sensitive to her level of
receptivity. She may not be ready to drop everything just because you want
to express your vulnerability. It may not work to blurt out your
vulnerability as she races around the house after the children. It never
hurts to ask her first: "Honey, I have something vulnerable to share with
you. Is this a good time for you?" Then listen to see if she's really ready,
not just automatically saying yes.

1. Ask her for help. If you don't ask her for help, you foster the illusion
that you don't need her. But you do need her ... in a thousand ways. And
don't only ask for help in physical ways, like helping you hang a picture.
Ask for emotional support, like holding you when you feel sad, or for
reassurance when you feel insecure. Ask for spiritual help too, like sitting
with you in prayer or meditation. 

2. Admit that you need her love. When a woman feels needed as well as
protected, she feels really loved. If she feels needed but not protected,
then she goes into "mother mode," and you become another one of her
children. Definitely not attractive to her! When she feels you need her love
as much as she needs yours, she can relax into the relationship.

3. Let her know, without anger, when you feel hurt by her. It's easy to
bypass hurt feelings and jump right into anger. Even though I more typically
express my anger, reflexively covering over my hurt, I sometimes will let
Joyce know I feel hurt by something she did or said. Showing my hurt,
without the anger, shows Joyce my vulnerability. It also shows her how
important she is to me. She loves this and will usually immediately
apologize.

4. Be courageous enough to admit your fears to her. Yes, you have just as
many fears as she does. Women tend to speak more about their fears. You may
hold them inside, or worse, not even be aware of them. That does not mean
you're less afraid. Admit your fears about failure, not being good enough,
or even losing her through death. This makes you more human, more
vulnerable, and definitely more attractive to her.

Joyce & Barry Vissell a nurse/therapist and psychiatrist couple since 1964, are counselors near Santa Cruz, CA, and are widely regarded as among the world’s top experts on conscious relationship and personal growth. They are the authors of eight books, including two new books, To Really Love a Woman and To Really Love a Man. Call 831-684-2299 for further information on counseling sessions by phone or in person, their books, recordings or their schedule of talks and workshops, and retreats; visit their website at www.sharedheart.org for their free monthly e-heartletter, their updated schedule, and inspiring past articles on many topics about relationship and living from the heart. Upcoming longer events led by Barry and Joyce Vissell:

Jul 22-27, 2018 — Shared Heart Summer Retreat at Breitenbush Hot Springs, OR
Oct 10-16, 2018 — Assisi Retreat, Italy
Feb 10-17, 2019 — Hawaii Couples Retreat on the Big Island