“This is so ridiculous! Why do I get so attached to some of the men I have sex with, especially when they act like such jerks?”
More than a decade ago, this question, posed to me by one of my clients, prompted a light bulb moment. “She said the men I have sex with,” not the men I choose to date or be in a relationship with…
She was smart, beautiful, and successful with a noteworthy life. Yet, she came to me struggling to let go of a man who was not only treating her poorly, he was uninterested in reciprocating her sentiments.
And where have I heard this story before? Most women I know (including myself), whether heterosexual or lesbian, would admit to having at least one love relationship that left us thinking, feeling, and putting a whole lot more emphasis on the future than our partner did. If we are really being truthful with ourselves, we will recall being confident and in control on our first date with them but the minute we had sex, we became clingy, needy, and possessively insecure!
It is like a common-sense switch got turned off in our brain. We seemed desperate to hear from this person; we reserved our nights and weekends in the hope they would call. Worse than that, we mentally rewrote our future with them in it, irrespective of the fact that we didn’t know anything about them or their intentions toward us.
And while this was happening, we recognized how out of character it was; how counter-intuitive and self-sabotaging. We kept saying to friends, family… anyone who would listen, “What is wrong with me?” This led to plummeting self-esteem, which made us want to validate the relationship even more! We needed for it to work and for it to be true love so we could justify what we were going through to maintain it. I wanted to finally get to the bottom of this seemingly female conundrum and as my fingers poised themselves in midair over my keyboard, I begged the question, “What happens to women after having sex?” That search quickly uncovered some interesting facts about the female physiology, and one very crucial detail… it is not necessarily what happens after sex that matters. It is what is going on before.
As it turns out, our bodies change bio-chemically to be able to engage in intercourse. Clinically speaking, it is done to us; meaning, a penis enters a vagina. It would seem like quite an intrusion to have a strange, tubular chunk of flesh thrust inside, if one wasn’t ready for it. So, it makes sense that our bodies would put in a chemical request to get the vagina ready for the ride.
We actually produce several hormones and endorphins for our comfort and pleasure. Fortunately, or unfortunately, these hormones include oxytocin (the cuddle hormone), and this is where the game can change. Oxytocin contributes to relaxation, trust, and psychological stability, which helps a woman allow for sex to even happen. After all, penises are attached to males who are generally physically bigger and stronger than females. Men can be perceived as physical threats, hence the need for women to “feel safe in their arms,” as the saying goes. But this biochemical state of faith and trust may also lend itself to trusting without warrant… to believing what our bodies and hearts are dictating, irrespective of how much our minds and gut are contradicting that.
Another thing about this hormone, it is what our bodies use to help us bond to our offspring during pregnancy and lactation. Any woman who was ever pregnant knows how powerful these physical and emotional bonds are. Imagine then, the potential to latch on to the person we are having sex with…?
We can conclude that if a woman has a strong hormonal response to a particular person and their love making, that biochemical cocktail has the potential to skew her view of her partner and their relationship. Let me emphasize,—not always, but sometimes. And in some women and men, I’ve seen sex with a particular person, continued over the course of months, create chemical, hormonal, and neural connections so powerful, they lead to addiction. Of course, most of us wouldn’t mind being slightly “love addicted” to the right person—but the wrong one…?
Understanding our bodies and how they react before, during, and after sex can help us choose wisely in the future. And knowing can shed new light on the relationships we have already lived through. Sure, we are beholden to and responsible for our actions and decisions but realizing that our hormones may have been working against us makes dealing with memories of certain relationships a whole lot easier to reconcile.
Disclaimer: All humans produce these hormones and may experience similar bonding issues, but this article was geared toward women and the uniqueness of their physiology. Please know these statements are general; they do not hold true for everyone at all times, and there was no intention to exclude any sexual orientation or gender classification.
Donna Martini, a long-time student of energy manipulation and quantum science, has been a wellness activist, coach, and speaker for over 30 years. She is the author of The Ten Commandments of Divorce and My Mini Book of Mighty Mantras, both available on Amazon. Her teachings include Positive Manipulation®, a process of generating our most potent, positive, and productive physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual energy. Donna can be reached at donna@donnamartini.com. Follow her on https://www.facebook. com/donna.martini.7 Learn more at mantramouse.com
