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Love & The Parent-Child Relationship
by Juliette Giorgio LMSW & Tery Grant LCSW • Roslyn, NY

 

BoomerangWe have relationships with everything in our lives. Whether you realize it or not, you have a relationship with money, your home, your job, people and even with yourself. Usually, a relationship operates with a long-standing pattern of interaction. We habitually interact and react to people and things in the same ways.

Most of these habits are determined by our early programming in life. For example, if your family was careful or even fearful about money, you probably approach money the same way. Even if there is an abundance, you may worry about not having enough. If your family had a culture of fighting, you may prefer to communicate your upsets by arguing, instead of calmly expressing yourself. We all operate this way, as if on automatic pilot. Hopefully, as we get older and gain some wisdom, we chose another way of expressing ourselves and change these patterns. We can learn healthier ways to think and interact and improve our relationships with others and ourselves. Even if your child is a teenager or an adult, it is never too late to make a positive change. When one person changes the way they interact and sticks to it, eventually the other people involved in the relationship will change their mode of interaction too.

It is one thing to say, “I love you.” It is another thing to feel loved. Many times, parents are busy rushing around shuttling children to school, sports and appointments. Parents are also cooking meals, cleaning the house and washing laundry. As adults, we are aware that we do these duties out of love, but to a child that does not feel like love. Love feels calm, warm and welcoming. At any given moment, you need to be aware of your state. Are you acting nervously? Are you distracted? Are you showing your child compassion? Are you slowing down to their speed? We need to be aware of the frequency we are vibrating at. Does it match the situation? For example, if we are driving to a sporting event, are we feeling happy, pumping up for the big game? Maybe playing the song “We are the champions” on the radio? Or is the scenario more like this…”Where are my cleats?” “Hurry up and find them, or we are going to be late!” Start to tune into your vibrational energy. Just become aware of it, and then alter it to be more proactive and appropriate to the situation. We all get off track. We live in a fast-paced world, quick, sonic in fact. Things are faster than ever before thanks to computers, iphones and social media. Don’t let these helpful tools steal your time and your peace! Your children will grow faster than you realize. Life is not short, but it is fast.

Most often, we parent the way we were parented. Through knowledge, education and motivation you can change the course. Love goes beyond thinking, it emanates from your soul. It is innate and unlimited. Love is free and you don’t have to do anything to deserve it. There is something you need to do first … change your mind! Start to communicate to your child that you will love them no matter what happens. It’s not good grades, good behavior, or accomplishments that make us worthy of love. Love is our natural state. The reason you became a parent was that you wanted more love in your life and someone to share it with.

Accomplishments are the end-products of our life purposes. For some of us, it is good grades. But for others it may be artwork, sports or just being a kind person. If you chose a form of work that flows from your natural gifts and talents, you will never work a day in your life. Your passion will flow naturally out of you. This is how we best serve the world, because when we do what we like, we feel joyful. Love is expressed through this process. When we stress our children about not being good enough in school or at sports it is like asking a turtle to fly. This process is not about being the best or earning love, it is a way to express who you are. Remember love is free. Everyone deserves to feel loved.

Change your focus from how much love you are getting to how much love you are giving. Your life will become richer and all of your relationships will improve. Love is like a boomerang; throw as much out as you can and it is destined to come back to you! Try this love experiment and see for yourself. In any given moment, ask yourself, “Am I being loving?” If the answer is “No”, change your tact. If you act lovingly in any circumstance, you will not make a mistake. Love never fails!

Alan CohenAlan CohenTery Grant is a therapist and has a practice in Roslyn. Juliette Giorgio is an educator in NYC with elementary and special-needs children. They are the authors of a parenting book entitled What Were You Thinking? 23 ideas to get your kids to use their noodle. It is available on Amazon: http:// www.amazon.com/What-Thinking-Ideas-Their-Noodle-ebook/dp/B00C3HA616. Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/kidsuseyournoodle?fref=ts http://www.kidsuseyournoodle.com/