A friend of mine was complaining recently that in her five-year marriage, her sex life has really slowed down.
“That’s okay! It happens! These things can come in waves,” I said. Followed by, “What are you going to do to get it goin’?”
“Well,” she answered, frown forming, “I was googling sex therapists. And then I went down a rabbit hole about what could be wrong with us. I mean, it could be my recent exhaustion from work or that I don’t make the effort to dress up enough, and well, I did gain a bit of weight in the last year, which makes me feel …”
“Stop!” I said, perhaps a little too abruptly — hand signal and all. It was a true let it be easy moment. Anyone who has been in a long-term relationship has or probably will come up against intimacy gaps at some point. Freaking out is not the answer. Nor is diving deeply into “the problem.”
I shared my gentle suggestions, which have worked for me, and countless friends over the years:
Think loving, sexy thoughts toward your partner. Look at them through the eyes of someone who might spot them across the room at a party. Remind yourself why you were attracted to them in the first place. Just because someone is familiar doesn’t mean you can’t foster a fresh attraction. It’s up to you and your thinking! Passion (and orgasms) begin in the mind.
Physically touch your partner. Do so in a romantic way that doesn’t have to lead to sex. When was the last time you had a long, lasting kiss? Or a hug that lingered for more than two seconds?
Stop making your partner “wrong.” My friend Alexandra, an intimacy expert, taught me this important lesson: someone who is wrong all the time is not sexy at all! When we criticize our partner nonstop, we become less attracted to them. How can a person who is wrong all the time seem sexy to you?
You’re allowed to disagree without anyone being wrong — for example, if your partner refuses to get into the plant-based meat substitutes you’re loving, validate your partner’s side of things. “I like veggie burgers, but I respect your mid-western carnivore side!”
A wrong person doesn’t feel sexy or attractive, to you or to themselves. So stop trying to win fights. It’s killing both of your sex drives.
You can also …
Ask questions! Instead of jumping into conflict as a reflex, use it as a chance to get to know each other better. For example, instead of saying, “You’re too stingy with money when it comes to eating out!” Ask, “What are you saving for? Tell me what you want in the future.”
Being open-minded fosters closeness and intimacy, allowing you to understand your partner in a whole new way.
Choose curiosity over judgment. Instead of using critical language such as saying something is bad/boring/dumb/ annoying, be curious instead. “This isn’t a TV show I’d normally watch, but I see you love it — what’s so good about it?”
Bonus relationship hack. Whatever you’re telling your partner helps shape what they become. Your life partner is your biggest decision and most important teammate — so be on their side! You reap the benefits, too.
There’s an old joke I love: “A husband and wife are driving around in their hometown, where he is the mayor. They stop to get some gas, whereupon the wife recognizes the station attendant as a high-school boyfriend. After they drive off, her husband tells her, smugly, “See, if you’d married him, you’d be working at a gas station.” The wife replies, “If I’d married him, he’d be the mayor.”
Touch, respect, admiration, and building each other up — these are all sexy behaviors that will bring you much more closeness than focusing on problems. You don’t need new lingerie or Botox to increase intimacy. Your emotional connection enhances your physical connection — they’re entwined.
Excepted with permission by New World Library from Let It Be Easy ©2021 newworldlibrary.com
Susie Moore is the author of Let It Be Easy and Stop Checking Your Likes. She is a former Silicon Valley executive turned celebrity life coach and advice columnist, and her work has been featured on the Today show, Good Morning America, Dr. Oz, Oprah, Business Insider, The Wall Street Journal, Forbes and Cosmopolitan. Find out more about her work at https://susie-moore.com.
