This month, to commemorate Valentine’s Day, Swami answers all your questions about love and sexuality — and you will question his answers.
I have been happily married for 27 years, and I have always had a meal for my husband when he comes home from work — until recently. About two months ago, for no apparent reason, I lost all desire to cook. Just like that. This has been exasperating to my husband — and to me — but I just can’t bring myself to cook anymore. What’s going on?
Juana Cruz, San Luis Obispo, CA
Not to worry. It’ll pass. You’re just going through menupause.
You want to know my theory why the world is so screwed up? It all has to do with orgasms. See, men’s orgasms last what, 30 seconds? Women on the other hand, can have their orgasms go on indefinitely. Consequently, men are jealous and they’ve brought greed and destruction onto the world. Do you agree, Swami?
Lynne Schmob, Seattle,WA
Come on now. I am no fan of the patriarchy, but surely we can’t blame ALL the world’s problems on men’s shortcomings.
This is a very sensitive issue, and I need your wisdom. My boss has been coming on to me for the past several months. I’ve gently deflected his advances. But now I find myself in a real dilemma. We are going on an out-of-town business trip together and he asked me to book adjoining rooms. I know this is an obvious and provable case of sexual harassment. But I like my job (and my paycheck) very much, and the risk is simply too much for me. Any suggestions?
Sue Dehrpantzoff, Skokie, Il
I have long maintained that when you raise yourself to a higher level, harassment becomes impossible. That’s why I suggest you acquiesce to your boss’s instructions and indeed book adjoining rooms. Book him in 1220, and yourself in 1320.
Can you tell me where my ex-wife is living and what she is doing?
Stan Dalone, Donora, PA
I’m sorry. I think you have me mixed up with some other swami. I don’t do past-wife readings.
I’ve been going out with this guy for two years and I just can’t get him to make a commitment. Although he insists that he loves me, he also insists on having numerous other girlfriends. When I mention marriage, he laughs and says, “I’m not the marrying type.” My therapist says he is suffering from a Don Juan complex. Can you explain?
Nora Mance, Ventura, CA
Yes. A Don Juan complex means he Don Juan to get married, he Don Juan to have responsibilities, and he Don Juan to grow up. Behind that macho exterior is an insecure little boy. The wolf act is just a disguise. He’s a little lost sheep in wolf’s clothing, following someone else’s ideal of manhood. So maybe you need to give him a taste of his own Don Juan stuff. Tell him you Don Juan to be with a sheep, you want to be with a man. And if he still Don Juan to own up to his insecurities, I’d tell Ram Beau to flock off.
Please enlighten me as to the practice of sex while on the spiritual path. Is it proper?
Ron Chi, Sedona, AZ
Absolutely not! Having sex while on the path is very improper indeed, and must be discouraged. If you want to have sex, go into the bushes, go behind a big tree, but not on the path, okay? It is very distracting to the rest of us.
Do you approve of polyamory?
Gil Tridden, Scarsdale, NY
Hey, what you do with a consenting parrot is none of my business.
Swami Beyondananda, cosmic comic, pundit, and uncommontator, whose favorite yoga pose is tongue-in-cheek can be found online at https://www.wakeuplaughing.com/. He is available for live performances, as well as Skype events so you can have Swami show up in your living room without actually having to feed him. He can be reached at email@example.com